The Emptiness of Joy

I'm having a hard time today. Actually, I've been having a hard week...no, make that month.

Despite all the joy of welcoming a new life into the world...a miracle in the form of a tiny little boy...and knowing that another is on the way. On the edge of all that happiness, is the sharp stab of pain that Tim is not here...not here to share in all the joy...not here with me.

I feel as if I'm having a tremendous pity-party just to admit that. While I have around me a wonderful network of family and friends, none of them can fill the void that is left by him. And, I know that I love and serve a God who is personal, who can and does meet all my needs. I ... still ... miss ... Tim.

Now, when I dream of Tim, he's well. Not depleted as he was in those final days by ALS (or Lyme...or whatever combination of thief that took him from this world). No, he's upright, vocal, and we are usually arguing. Just like the "good old days." How we loved to argue! We had unspoken rules, though, and only rarely would either one of us hit "below the belt." It was more a form of verbal sparring, a debate. If he was losing, he would say something ridiculous to make me laugh. And it would be over. And just about every fight ended with us still loving each other.

I still love him. And I still miss him. I've missed him for more than the year since he died.

I will take the next step and keep going. And keep remembering.